5 Things I will NOT miss about Turkey

Unfortunately my days in Turkey are coming to an end. Since I have a lot of excitement planned between August 10 and my return to Holland, I thought this might be a good time to look back on my Turkish experience and do a few top 5’s.

1. Squatty Potties-

The first time I saw one of these I was in an Istanbul ferry lavatory. When I opened the stall door I thought I had found a dispenser for mop water or something. I decided I could hold it until the ferry docked. I managed to avoid using one until I moved to Antalya where the ‘Turkish Toilet’ is the only W.C. functioning in out apartment. Over the past month I have developed a reliable regime for proper usage. If I throw my right arm back and brace myself against the rear wall. I can have optimal aim without sacrificing stability or control. The whole concept of a squat toilet seems somehow backward and unsanitary. I am surprised Atatürk didn’t do away with them in the 1920’s when he got rid of the fez and Arabic writing.

2. Restaurant Hagglers

“My Friend! Won’t you come look at my menu? I give you nice price! Kebab, and chicken!” No sir, I am not hungry, I don’t care how fresh your lamb is or how cheap your beer is. I would just like to proceed to my destination in peace. I was with an Australian friend in Istanbul who was convinced to eat at a place because the waiter rushed out yelling “Hello Brother-from-another-mother!” I made the mistake of shaking hands with one of these guys in Antalya and he refused to let go until I had come to look at his “fine selection of fresh fish.” These guys know how to target tourists and have learned greetings in 7 or 8 different languages. If they don’t know where you are from, they will greet you 3 or 4 times in different tongues. I usually get German or Russian first.

3. ‘Abi Funk’

Abi is the Turkish word for uncle. There are a lot of plump hairy middle aged men hanging around the cafés, Döner shops, and tramways in Turkey. Often they have nothing better to do than sit, drink tea and play tavla. Unfortunately, most of these men are uneducated when it comes to the proper application of personal deodorant. Thus, “Abi Funk” is present in most confined and enclosed spaces such as elevators, busses, and small shops. On rare occasions, Turks will try to compensate for anticipated Abi Funk with the liberal application of cheap perfume. I got on a dolmuş to go to church on Sunday morning and was nearly bowled over by a perfume scent as disagreeable as it was potent. Perhaps old spice should look into developing a market here.

4. The Call to Prayer

After three months in Turkey, I have become accustomed to hearing Arabic blasted over the city five times a day. Normally it does not bother me too much. However, the Cultural Center is located right next to a minaret with particularly bad speakers. The call to prayer is also problematic when there are three mosques in a 3 block radius from your hostel and the call to prayer goes off at 4:30 AM. It would be one thing if people actually responded to it and busted out their prayer mats, but no one pays any attention, it is really just noise pollution.

5. Turkish Music

While some Modern Turkish music is respectable and classical Turkish music is pleasant and culturally significant. Most modern Turkish Hip-Hop is garbage. It is essentially an adulterated version of Classical Turkish music with too much base and suggestive lyrics. The music videos, which were played on repeat 24/7 at my hostel in Istanbul, are even worse. The videos appear to be directed by someone with limited creativity and an even smaller budget.

In other news, our bathroom officially has a roach infestation. I counted 13 baby bugs scurrying away from one of Vedat’s socks when I walked in last night. Today I got to my laundry in the bathtub again.